The Decline

Its never easy to start a new post like this, even while I wait for blogspot to sign me into my blog desk (usually takes a while due to slow internet) I somehow get myself all messed up on what is to be written.

Well anyway, I'm currently going through a flat patch now where all parts of my life is affected. More importantly, I don't feel confident in myself at all which does really sucks when I'm trying to get my sales pitch going again. Even my sales figures are dropping off the ladder which is really demotivating to say the least.

I not really sure why but I just somehow find myself not clicking with anyone this couple of weeks. Even with my best friends, at times I feel like I'm the odd one out. Feeling all out of place and low on confidence, I proceeded to reject most of my meet-ups with friends for the whole month. Yeah you heard me right, I sorta locked myself up for the whole month. It's best to say I don't feel comfortable being with anyone other then myself.

It's bad to the point that I actually deactivated both my fb and twitter accounts for a short period (well, no one notices anyway) and kinda kept myself away from people. For one, I do realize I am a little bit of a weird person (not sure but I bet you do too) but I don't know, its just me anyway.

You might advise that I talk to someone as it might make you feel better. But more often than not, I don't even know where or how to start. I used to have friends whom I can talk to about my problems but I do realize I probably need to sort it out myself. No one really realize how deep my problem goes but well, who am I to say, life goes on anyway.

This is when you'd just wished you had someone who understands you but for myself, I'd prefer to keep it all here.

Problem person I may be, at least I'm not bringing about trouble to anyone and that for me is cool enough.

Honestly Speaking

The time now is 5 mins to 1st February 2012. Yep, how time flies. I couldn't even recall a noteworthy time in January other than that short lived Chinese New Year. Not that it was a bad CNY, but its just so short. I remembered working, coming home cleaning the house followed by short weekend to prepare the house for visiting and the next thing I know, Chinese New Year has passed. It wasn't such a bad month I supposed, in fact, I'd say it was somehow a good short month. Firstly so, it was a month where I thought a lot about myself and how I wanted to change myself. Also, first time I'm actually trying to do it as well. I won't go into details there but yea, along with it went January.

Which brings us now to February 2012, a month to look forward to? Lets see, I have Avril Lavigne concert coming up and a week after that, track day at Sepang International Circuit. But I'd just like to set the record straight, reason I'm going to AL concert is ONLY BECAUSE I wanna go to a concert. That's all.

Now, it couldn't be worst for me feeling all down now beginning of February. Not sure why but my mood is just a lil down this week. Not really sociable, no mood, and yes having slight depression. According to a research, they say you can get depression with not having enough sleep which I am deprived of now. But I don't know, it just all going in my mind again. Think too much maybe?

I'm probably doubting a lot about myself again. Fuck shit keeps happening, it is some kind of a sickness I'm having?

Nowadays, I'm just ignoring my feelings for anyone cuz somehow, I don't see it going anywhere. More importantly, I don't see myself being a good capable boyfriend. Or maybe I don't even know how to be a boyfriend to someone anymore.

I'd just gotta be honest and say this. Everyone has their own problems. Yours might seem a bigger deal, but try putting yourself into the other person's shoes and see what they've been through. They did not grow up like you did, you do not know their history either. So if this is small shit to you, well I apologize and maybe I have opened up to the wrong person.

Gotta Let It Out

You know there a saying that each one of us will always have that only person that we like but we never do to let anyone know including our best friends.

Like so, I really can't tell anyone but I desperately need to let it out or I'll probably not sleep for the rest of the night.

Thing is, I think I have fallen for someone I shouldn't be falling for. My mood now? Confused and fucked up. I would probably get advises like "Just go for it... blablabla...". Thing is, I wouldn't want to lose her or this friendship because of these stupid feelings.

So what's left to do is control myself, ignore, and stay slightly away. That should probably do it until someone else comes along?

"A guy and a girl can never be best friends."

Cheers.

The End of 2011

Well, I though I'd just write it all down since I had an hour long bath with so much that have gone through my mind. Let's just say I'm not actually happy with where I am currently and that much is obvious from my previous post if you do follow them.

For one, I have always drive myself from failures and criticism while praises and compliments do tend to do more damage than help. Complacent is probably the word best describe my past few months and indeed CHANGE was the only thing I could think of the whole time in the shower.

Newly bought PS3 kept in the box, no more TV watching after 8pm, a new timetable drawn out and new sleeping time set to 11pm are just simple examples of changes I have made or at least minor steps taken to rebuild my foundations. Of course, its not all just work and study but Muay Thai and a couple of workout schedules are in place for body building which on my side still lacked discipline to achieve those desired results.

Now, reason for this post is not gonna be all that boring stuff of CHANGE or "New Year's Resolution" you might call it, I'm also gonna list down a couple of awesome memory from the year that is 2011 for myself. Note than none of the below are sorted base on favorite moments.

1. Visit to Hatyai, Thailand

This mark the first time I'm traveling with my self-earned monayyy, a trip best remembered for being kissed by my favorite AhGua (TS) performer that night.

2. A Surprise Birthday Sing-Along

A pretty subdued 23rd birthday made better with huge family (a few sporting PYT involved of course) from opposite table singing along to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant.

3. Party Rock Caroling

A caroling performance which featured my first dance since college days. (Okay, I did a performance back at Marcus Evans but that too was almost 2 years now). Not to mention I created the Robot Head from LMFAO.

4. Transformation of my Neo CPS

Did LOADDDDSSS of damage to my pocket but it was satisfying come end of the mod into a full R3 Neo. Those hard earn hours in office made me appreciate my car that much more of course.

5. Top Salesman in Marketing Team

The office had only started to run on volumes and commissions in May. I'd struggle in last spot 2 months in but manage to pull myself together to earn the top spot heading into the new year with an "out of this office" volume recorded in July.

Not least, "FRIENDS" should be the best of all moments and like the saying goes "the best moments can only be experienced and not explained". I might have experienced one of the lowest years of my life but at moments my best friends have been around for me. I might struggle to show my appreciation but deep down inside I am grateful for all of it.

And that spells the end of posting for 2011 and leaves much hope for a much better year ahead in 2012. A few items on the agenda for 2012 is of course to grow out those long hairs of yester years, a better ME, and also a trip to Bali to look forward to.

Signing off now with a very happy new year with great hopes, love and peace to all and more importantly my loved ones.

Cheers.

Life as it is

Well, it just seems as though my life is about to fall apart and being here again certainly says it all. With nobody to go to, to look to, or even just hang around doing nothing with. Life was certainly much better when I was only concentrating on my job and nothing much other than that, which of course kinda means that I don't really have a life. I do admit it, I'm not the most adventures and haven't been to many places myself. (Not as privileged, I don't blame my parents of course) Then again, its not like I wanted to be what I am today, but I'm just finding it hard to ditch my past and start anew again. They say you can react to your past and make a better future for yourself, but its easier said than done.

Confidence is certainly very low now. So much so that I can't even think about is single good thing about myself. So much doubt going about myself now that I even felt insecure at my job at times.

I'm also going through a really tough patch in my social life. Somehow or rather, I felt like I just lost my closest friends and course mates during college times. Can't believe somehow I was just left out. It really sucks to be looking at all your old mates gathering without you even being around. All those happy faces, and I was just being ignored. Makes me wonder, where did I go wrong...

Where did I go wrong...

I just wished I'm not myself anymore... a total failure in my own eyes...

Of course, I managed to get my mind off this shit this whole day just doing random stuffs like buying a burger myself and having it at some condo which I managed to sneak in, stuffs like watching golfers practicing their shooting at 9pm, and also pushing my car to its limits on the highway. Yes, they say not to play with speed cuz you know, it kills. I did thought about it but somehow I had no fear even if I died in it. I thought it didn't really matter actually as my life probably wouldn't even mean or cost much.

I feel pretty much useless right now, question now is, how much longer can I last?

Alwaz the Scars

Have you ever once, just once in your life, just sit down, think about your life and how you ended up where you are currently? I for one used to think a lot, in fact I do THINK a lot to the stage where I am practically playing mind games with myself. Whatever fact and fiction gets thrown into a pill of crazy ideas which usually results in me being all emo and feeling fucked up.

Back to the top, yes, at times I do wonder "what would I have been if...". If I was born in a different family? different background? different bring up? I could be a better man then what I am now isn't it? Well, I'm not in anyway trying to put a blame on my parents.

In some way they do play a huge part in what we are today, but they have been through blood sweat and tears to make us who we are today, and the ball is on our court for us to now try to be better then what we already are.

I gotta pause a bit here, thing is I don't really know where I'm going with this now. But anyhow, I'd guess I just keep it short. More importantly, what I'm trying to say here is that I am not at all comfortable and confident with myself right now, I've never been. My self-esteem fortress is so fragile that a lil stone could cause it all to collapse.

I'm struggling to make an impact at work, I'm struggling to get into a relationship, I'm struggling in every part of my life right now. It's so bad that I don't even think its a good idea to be telling it to anyone (except here).

What I want you to really know is that I'm really struggling with my life right now... that's all...

Bringing It Back

It's never good to be back here, at least in my case as it could also mean I have no one to talk to. Anyhow, its been more than 3 months since I last posted anything here so I guess its about time something of sort got posted up. Anyway, just a short update on what's been going on.

But before I start, let's just say its almost coming up to the end of January already but nevertheless, its a new start to the new year with new aims and dreams or resolutions if you should put it. Its probably not gonna be so much of a fun vacations or such being planned out but basically its about the life and direction that I should or could be thinking about in the near future.

... afraid that I won't meet my own expectations?

It's still pretty much the same me here, with the exception of more problems maybe? Well, one things for sure is that I'm still pretty much struggling with conjuring any sort of confidence out of myself. Managing it definitely isn't easy and it does affect me in every single part of my life right now to be honest. If you haven't notice, emotions does play a huge part in ones actions. But you know its not all doom and gloomy as I have actually signed up for Thai Kickboxing lessons just to build some confidence and also learning to be optimistic.

Relationship tends to get itself in the equation normally. There's always this common question being toss around in daily conversations like "who's the one", "where's your gf", "when you getting one" etc which you really can't avoid but give a smile or any crap before you go ahead and change the topic. I haven't been good at it to be honest. Confidence does play its part in this as well, being as low as it is, it's actually kinda difficult. There's just so many problems and bad experience that has somehow has affected me in a really bad way I guess. So for now, I have been trying to filter it out and just focus my energy on my career and also improving myself.

Driving myself higher with failures and the hunger to be better than others...

Which also leads me to be thinking about moving on. Moving to a new place, new surroundings and a new environment. I'm actually thinking about moving down south to find greener pastures with a prospect of better financial returns. This would probably be a significant change in my life and it could probably come after March when I finish my programme at my current work place but still there's time to evaluate and think about it.

Lastly, I'll just end this post with some of my wish list and resolutions for the year:

1) get a job in Singapore

2) get a lasik for my eyes

3) to have more self improvement and optimism

4) increase confidence

5) build body mass and muscles

6) safe enough for investment in property (later in the year or next year?)

Always trying to believe I'm special...

reality is, I never was...




pathetic...

A smile for tomorrow.

I remembered what my mom always said "If a problem is not solved, it will always come back to haunt you".

Certainly, there are things that you couldn't just run away from. Then again, solving the problem itself is yet another matter.

Maybe, just maybe I have plunged myself too deep into it and now I find myself struggling to recover... fighting a losing battle.

I just go on everyday, putting on a smile. Just hoping for a better tomorrow. :)

I'm not entirely sure what am I gonna be posting here but I feel really really demotivated now.

If a picture could say a million things, then this probably is it...

...no worries, ain't gonna suicide.

Breakeven

I've been just sitting, staring up into the ceiling and just letting my mind wonder and think about stuff. It's just stuff that I don't really know how to put into words let alone describe it. I've never been good at it and I doubt it's gonna get any better now.

Anyway, there's this wonderful song from The Script which has been playing on repeat for probably the whole night now. It's called Breakeven and its probably one of those songs that could be related to what's running through my mind right now.

Well, it's definitely late now so gonna be listening to it for a bit now before I go to sleep...

Last Words

I just had a chat with a good buddy last night and we had this conversation about his ex. It was a really sad experience from my friend as he told me he really liked this girl but somehow over the course of the 4 year relationship, she changed. She changed in a way that she realized that money was very important and she should be finding a boyfriend who is rich. One part of it was that she also had a friend who probably wasn't that pretty and all but still had a rich boyfriend. So thinking that even her ugly friend could get a rich guy, why not her? hence she cheated on my buddy and went out with this other rich guy who was courting her at that time.

Thing is, I've known my friend for quite some time and my honest opinion is that he is a really nice person, a great friend, and definitely one who treats his girlfriend very well. But he wasn't rich. It's just sickening to know that a girl would actually give in to money and throw away a boyfriend who loves and threats her very well.

Anyway, they (my friend and ex) broke up and the girl was actually in a relationship with the rich guy until just yesterday. I was told it wasn't even a year into the relationship and the reason for the break up was because she did not like his attitude and all. Well, I knew all this because this girl was actually looking for my friend after the break up but I'm just really glad that my friend is already with someone better who appreciates him for himself and not for what he has. Hence, here's one quote from a friend of mine (forgot who) and it goes "Date the guy, NOT date his car". Well, you get the drill.

Finally, we do realize that we don't really appreciate what is in front of us until its gone. People are usually so caught up in themselves and their own life that they forgot to think about the people around em. And from my friends experience, I should probably say that as much as you like a person and if the person doesn't appreciate you, you should probably stop wasting your time as there would be that someone out there still kindly in wait for you to really take and appreciate what you have to give.

I'm just really having mixed feelings here. So many unanswered question I have in my mind right now, all the uncertainties, all the doubts, all the unknowns... Is it just me or things are just the way I'm seeing it?

Did I do the wrong thing? Did I say the wrong words? or am I just not good enough for you?

I could probably say I was disappointing... or maybe I should apologize for disappointing someone. If things could be better, even if it means me getting far and away, I would do it.

I just... I just really don't know...

Am I really that dumb to not be getting anything?

My Neo babe

Was gonna post this a few days back but was kinda caught up in some stuff. Anyway, I finally gotta have a look at my new car last weekend. As I was saying previously, the car is already ready and its now parked at the showroom and all I'm waiting for now is to get all the documents approved and number plates on before I could drive it home.

Anyway, here are some pictures I took of my babe just fresh out of the factory looking all dirty and unpolished.

front side view

back view with the big spoiler

I will have to apologize for the lousy picture quality thou cuz was only using a lousy 2.0mp without auto focus camera on my N81.

I'm also looking to give a name to my babe here so any suggestion? Damn its hard... It's like you just found out you'll be having a child in a weeks time and yet you still don't have a name yet!!!

Anyhow, will be thinking about it and this will be the last post on the car until it arrives so till then... ciowz :)

Lotus Ride and Handling

I just happened to come across this a moment ago while browsing through some websites. Its the latest ad from Proton, have you guys seen it yet?



In my honest opinion, I think this is one of the better ads from Proton because it was done in a way to promote what is believed to be Proton's best asset in the car industry which is Lotus (ride and handling).

A certain part of the video really caught my attention actually. At 0:27, when the Persona is gonna overtake, notice that the car in front was a Toyota Passo (or Perodua Myvi in MAS) as well as a Toyota Altis. Well, Perodua and its Myvi is probably one of the biggest treat to Proton's share in the entry-level market so that probably explains the overtaking scene. Talking about sending a message to your customers and competitors eh?

But, I am not so sure when it comes to the Altis though cuz knowingly, the Altis is a much faster car with a 1.8 liter vvt-i engine fitted under the hood as to the 1.6 liter CamPro in the Persona. Probably cuz Toyota is the biggest player in the world market?

Finally, speaking of cars. I just got a call yesterday from my car dealer telling me that my car is ready for collection! :D

So I'd just need complete some documents and get a number plate, meaning I will MOST PROBABLY be getting me new car next weekend :)

Just finished work and I'm back home now looking forward to the weekend. I should be feeling happy right now but I'm not.

Thing is, I am actually having a really bad confidence crisis now which I have no idea of how should I go about it. Just this evening at work, my manager was asking me "Alex?! Why are you always doubting yourself?!" and I literally kept quite as I have no answer to that.

Its actually not a new thing for me either, I have been on zero-confidence for few years now?

Even when I had the confidence to step up just last weekend during a badminton match, I dissapointed my mates and lost what could have been some medals for the whole team.

Anyway, I just feel real bad now...

Happenings...

Hmm... I'm awfully bored now without any thing to do on my PC which is the reason why I'm here to make a quick and short post. So like you see on the title, this post will be about some random happenings around me so far...

So here goes...

1. My Facebook account got hacked and I'm unable to retrieve it which is why I'm so bored now.


2. Just came back from work smelling like shisha.

3. Just saw his colleague got circumcised and walking weirdly around the office. His response was "I wanted to get a pornstar's penis"

4. People think I'm too tiny (Nope, not my p.... you know). Gonna start working out again... 50 push-ups a day!


5. Had time to admire a Bentley Continental GT, which you don't get to see often on the way back home. You will need over a million Ringgit to own one of this.


6. Gonna be poorer by RM300? by the end of the month. Got caught speeding on the highways.

7. Is rather active in Twitter due to Facebook's unavailability.


8. Still very much looking forward to getting his new car in 3 months time? Damn, its still sooo long away!!!


9. Thinking that its pretty much awesome to be able to be any character on the phone when you're talking to random people everyday.

10. Ohhh and... Johannesburg's female operators are soooo sweet and friendly!

11. This blog OFFICIALLY has a follower now. CHEERS!

12. Still likes this girl very much. And this is her favorite number so I'm making this the last number.

I guess that's all I'm gonna post. Gonna do my stuffs now. Good day everyone...!!!


OHHH AND....

DAMNNNN!!!!

21

I'm officially 21 years old now so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! ... and as a present, god gave me a full time job =.= Yupz, I'm gonna be starting work today so it'll be great! Anyway, thanks everyone for all their wishes, really appreciate it and I hope this'll be a great day for everyone :)

Mind popping

So tomorrow is the big day for me with the exam. Really stressed out now, its like my head is being squeezed so hard that it wants to pop. Don't really know what to write out now cuz I'm just really really stressed. Besides, I have been trying to relax a bit by listening to my new addictive song Wedding Dress by TaeYang. Stupidly, because it was an emo or sad song which you can watch from my previous post, so it just made me felt worst. Anyway, I'm gonna continue reading my notes before I head to bed.

Almost end of November

Just a simple update here on what's going on now. So right, really really busy month trying to get a job so haven't done much posting lately as well. Actually, getting a job for me now is like really urgent as in do-or-die for me because you probably know I have been slacking for a very long time now so its really time to really get started. So one of my goal set for this month was to get a job and now its already almost end of the month. However, I've been attached to a UK company named Marcus Evans right now, going through trainings and hopefully, I will be able to pass me exams and get the job by December.

Been through a hell of interviews as well getting this far now. First, there was the phone screening interview where I was caught off guard (me sleeping), then 1st interview and 2nd interview before these trainings and exams which I have to pass later on. Its actually a sales telemarketing job, one which I never expected to be in because SERIOUSLY, if you know me well, you would know I'm not a very vocal person and neither am I a good communicator. However, this job is really interesting (more on this next time) and it really is a challenge for me to improve myself, learn, develop and train to be a better person. BUT then again, jobs not confirmed yet, so that's just what I'm thinking right now.

And also, because its basically a sales job. So if your good, you tend to earn a lot on your commissions so I'm really motivated by the amount I could earn so with that maybe I could use it to later start a business of my own? who knows? That's what I'm actually planning now... But again, just dreams. Still a long long way to go till I reach this spot I'm dreaming of. Then again, I will try my best to acheive whatever I can.

"TIME is your life. When its gone, ITS GONE!"

Above is actually quoted by my trainer who was the Sales Director in Marcus Evans. It really slapped me across the face and made me realize something. Honestly, I kinda feel like I wasted sooooooooo much time. Gonna be 22 next year and still haven't even earn my first 1000 bucks which is really really bad. I always wanted to start out early, be succesful at a young age, earn big bucks, drive big car, get recognition and stuff like that but 22 already, damn...

what have I been doing...

Gonna push hard now...