30th November 2012

There's just something about my birth date that I love so much but on the contrary, it has also been the worst day of my life for the past couple of years now. Not that everything goes wrong on the day but its more like me realizing that I'm a year older and yet I am still the same me. Still a failure if you're wondering... 

Somehow or rather, I always end up not being in the mood for my birthday. In fact I had actually hope it was just another normal day. I just don't handle attention, spotlights or even compliments that well. Seriously, try giving me a compliment and I would really struggle to give you any sort of positive reaction. 

It's 30th November 2012, it's my freaking birthday and I really feel down and awful. I got nobody to talk to and have literally shut myself out of the world just in case people starts thinking I'm weak and stupid. I wish I had someone who could listen without judging me.................

What makes you happy?

What makes you happy? A question I asked myself once before I went to bed. Lying face up facing the white ceiling was I going into deep thoughts of my where I stand now. Of course, in this case I was talking about my love life which hasn't been anything close to what everyone is enjoying out there.

Of course, the ugly truth is... I haven't had a girlfriends since secondary school days. Part of it is also cause I'm shy, don't talk too much, not the most attractive out there either and definitely not humorous at all. Now I have been watching "Modern Family" (into Season 2 now) and like what the old guy with a young super hot Columbian wife says, "the trick to getting a girl is, you either be rich, be powerful or be funny". In this case, I'm clearly none of it hence you'd probably have a clear picture of me now.

Anyway, I have been single all my life with the exception of one short spell I had with a girl which was probably too short to be even counted as a relationship. I failed in many times and many ways in getting a myself a partner as well. They say as long as you have the heart, don't give up then you will succeed but yea right, we all know that only happens in some stupid love story you watch in the movies. It doesn't fucking happen like that...

Having said that, if you ask me now, I'd probably tell you that I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. Right now, I know I can't be funny hence I'm only focused on getting rich. Without the riches I don't really see how I could get a girlfriend. Like seriously, I might be polluted with my thinking but yea that's how I see it going. Either I get rich or I'm gonna die alone. At least now I don't expect anything to really happen in my love life which is a good distraction to keep away...

But of course, now the pressure is on to get rich...

The Decline

Its never easy to start a new post like this, even while I wait for blogspot to sign me into my blog desk (usually takes a while due to slow internet) I somehow get myself all messed up on what is to be written.

Well anyway, I'm currently going through a flat patch now where all parts of my life is affected. More importantly, I don't feel confident in myself at all which does really sucks when I'm trying to get my sales pitch going again. Even my sales figures are dropping off the ladder which is really demotivating to say the least.

I not really sure why but I just somehow find myself not clicking with anyone this couple of weeks. Even with my best friends, at times I feel like I'm the odd one out. Feeling all out of place and low on confidence, I proceeded to reject most of my meet-ups with friends for the whole month. Yeah you heard me right, I sorta locked myself up for the whole month. It's best to say I don't feel comfortable being with anyone other then myself.

It's bad to the point that I actually deactivated both my fb and twitter accounts for a short period (well, no one notices anyway) and kinda kept myself away from people. For one, I do realize I am a little bit of a weird person (not sure but I bet you do too) but I don't know, its just me anyway.

You might advise that I talk to someone as it might make you feel better. But more often than not, I don't even know where or how to start. I used to have friends whom I can talk to about my problems but I do realize I probably need to sort it out myself. No one really realize how deep my problem goes but well, who am I to say, life goes on anyway.

This is when you'd just wished you had someone who understands you but for myself, I'd prefer to keep it all here.

Problem person I may be, at least I'm not bringing about trouble to anyone and that for me is cool enough.

Honestly Speaking

The time now is 5 mins to 1st February 2012. Yep, how time flies. I couldn't even recall a noteworthy time in January other than that short lived Chinese New Year. Not that it was a bad CNY, but its just so short. I remembered working, coming home cleaning the house followed by short weekend to prepare the house for visiting and the next thing I know, Chinese New Year has passed. It wasn't such a bad month I supposed, in fact, I'd say it was somehow a good short month. Firstly so, it was a month where I thought a lot about myself and how I wanted to change myself. Also, first time I'm actually trying to do it as well. I won't go into details there but yea, along with it went January.

Which brings us now to February 2012, a month to look forward to? Lets see, I have Avril Lavigne concert coming up and a week after that, track day at Sepang International Circuit. But I'd just like to set the record straight, reason I'm going to AL concert is ONLY BECAUSE I wanna go to a concert. That's all.

Now, it couldn't be worst for me feeling all down now beginning of February. Not sure why but my mood is just a lil down this week. Not really sociable, no mood, and yes having slight depression. According to a research, they say you can get depression with not having enough sleep which I am deprived of now. But I don't know, it just all going in my mind again. Think too much maybe?

I'm probably doubting a lot about myself again. Fuck shit keeps happening, it is some kind of a sickness I'm having?

Nowadays, I'm just ignoring my feelings for anyone cuz somehow, I don't see it going anywhere. More importantly, I don't see myself being a good capable boyfriend. Or maybe I don't even know how to be a boyfriend to someone anymore.

I'd just gotta be honest and say this. Everyone has their own problems. Yours might seem a bigger deal, but try putting yourself into the other person's shoes and see what they've been through. They did not grow up like you did, you do not know their history either. So if this is small shit to you, well I apologize and maybe I have opened up to the wrong person.

Gotta Let It Out

You know there a saying that each one of us will always have that only person that we like but we never do to let anyone know including our best friends.

Like so, I really can't tell anyone but I desperately need to let it out or I'll probably not sleep for the rest of the night.

Thing is, I think I have fallen for someone I shouldn't be falling for. My mood now? Confused and fucked up. I would probably get advises like "Just go for it... blablabla...". Thing is, I wouldn't want to lose her or this friendship because of these stupid feelings.

So what's left to do is control myself, ignore, and stay slightly away. That should probably do it until someone else comes along?

"A guy and a girl can never be best friends."

Cheers.

The End of 2011

Well, I though I'd just write it all down since I had an hour long bath with so much that have gone through my mind. Let's just say I'm not actually happy with where I am currently and that much is obvious from my previous post if you do follow them.

For one, I have always drive myself from failures and criticism while praises and compliments do tend to do more damage than help. Complacent is probably the word best describe my past few months and indeed CHANGE was the only thing I could think of the whole time in the shower.

Newly bought PS3 kept in the box, no more TV watching after 8pm, a new timetable drawn out and new sleeping time set to 11pm are just simple examples of changes I have made or at least minor steps taken to rebuild my foundations. Of course, its not all just work and study but Muay Thai and a couple of workout schedules are in place for body building which on my side still lacked discipline to achieve those desired results.

Now, reason for this post is not gonna be all that boring stuff of CHANGE or "New Year's Resolution" you might call it, I'm also gonna list down a couple of awesome memory from the year that is 2011 for myself. Note than none of the below are sorted base on favorite moments.

1. Visit to Hatyai, Thailand

This mark the first time I'm traveling with my self-earned monayyy, a trip best remembered for being kissed by my favorite AhGua (TS) performer that night.

2. A Surprise Birthday Sing-Along

A pretty subdued 23rd birthday made better with huge family (a few sporting PYT involved of course) from opposite table singing along to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant.

3. Party Rock Caroling

A caroling performance which featured my first dance since college days. (Okay, I did a performance back at Marcus Evans but that too was almost 2 years now). Not to mention I created the Robot Head from LMFAO.

4. Transformation of my Neo CPS

Did LOADDDDSSS of damage to my pocket but it was satisfying come end of the mod into a full R3 Neo. Those hard earn hours in office made me appreciate my car that much more of course.

5. Top Salesman in Marketing Team

The office had only started to run on volumes and commissions in May. I'd struggle in last spot 2 months in but manage to pull myself together to earn the top spot heading into the new year with an "out of this office" volume recorded in July.

Not least, "FRIENDS" should be the best of all moments and like the saying goes "the best moments can only be experienced and not explained". I might have experienced one of the lowest years of my life but at moments my best friends have been around for me. I might struggle to show my appreciation but deep down inside I am grateful for all of it.

And that spells the end of posting for 2011 and leaves much hope for a much better year ahead in 2012. A few items on the agenda for 2012 is of course to grow out those long hairs of yester years, a better ME, and also a trip to Bali to look forward to.

Signing off now with a very happy new year with great hopes, love and peace to all and more importantly my loved ones.

Cheers.

The misery never did end did it...?

No idea what am I doing to myself now, seems like everything seems to be falling apart rather more acute these days.

I'm just so low in my life now that I don't even feel comfortable being around people.

I'm even running away from my best friends which I don't really have an answer as to why I did that. (feeling of guilt and of not wanting to trouble anyone anymore?)

On the other hand, I do know now how does it really feel like to be alone. No acquaintances, no friends, no best friends, no nothing, not even a single person you can think of. Wouldn't want that to happen to anyone of course, it's definitely not something you want to feel.

Is it crazy to even say that I could be planning a way to get out of this world?

it did cross my mind.