30th November 2012

There's just something about my birth date that I love so much but on the contrary, it has also been the worst day of my life for the past couple of years now. Not that everything goes wrong on the day but its more like me realizing that I'm a year older and yet I am still the same me. Still a failure if you're wondering... 

Somehow or rather, I always end up not being in the mood for my birthday. In fact I had actually hope it was just another normal day. I just don't handle attention, spotlights or even compliments that well. Seriously, try giving me a compliment and I would really struggle to give you any sort of positive reaction. 

It's 30th November 2012, it's my freaking birthday and I really feel down and awful. I got nobody to talk to and have literally shut myself out of the world just in case people starts thinking I'm weak and stupid. I wish I had someone who could listen without judging me.................

What makes you happy?

What makes you happy? A question I asked myself once before I went to bed. Lying face up facing the white ceiling was I going into deep thoughts of my where I stand now. Of course, in this case I was talking about my love life which hasn't been anything close to what everyone is enjoying out there.

Of course, the ugly truth is... I haven't had a girlfriends since secondary school days. Part of it is also cause I'm shy, don't talk too much, not the most attractive out there either and definitely not humorous at all. Now I have been watching "Modern Family" (into Season 2 now) and like what the old guy with a young super hot Columbian wife says, "the trick to getting a girl is, you either be rich, be powerful or be funny". In this case, I'm clearly none of it hence you'd probably have a clear picture of me now.

Anyway, I have been single all my life with the exception of one short spell I had with a girl which was probably too short to be even counted as a relationship. I failed in many times and many ways in getting a myself a partner as well. They say as long as you have the heart, don't give up then you will succeed but yea right, we all know that only happens in some stupid love story you watch in the movies. It doesn't fucking happen like that...

Having said that, if you ask me now, I'd probably tell you that I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. Right now, I know I can't be funny hence I'm only focused on getting rich. Without the riches I don't really see how I could get a girlfriend. Like seriously, I might be polluted with my thinking but yea that's how I see it going. Either I get rich or I'm gonna die alone. At least now I don't expect anything to really happen in my love life which is a good distraction to keep away...

But of course, now the pressure is on to get rich...

The Decline

Its never easy to start a new post like this, even while I wait for blogspot to sign me into my blog desk (usually takes a while due to slow internet) I somehow get myself all messed up on what is to be written.

Well anyway, I'm currently going through a flat patch now where all parts of my life is affected. More importantly, I don't feel confident in myself at all which does really sucks when I'm trying to get my sales pitch going again. Even my sales figures are dropping off the ladder which is really demotivating to say the least.

I not really sure why but I just somehow find myself not clicking with anyone this couple of weeks. Even with my best friends, at times I feel like I'm the odd one out. Feeling all out of place and low on confidence, I proceeded to reject most of my meet-ups with friends for the whole month. Yeah you heard me right, I sorta locked myself up for the whole month. It's best to say I don't feel comfortable being with anyone other then myself.

It's bad to the point that I actually deactivated both my fb and twitter accounts for a short period (well, no one notices anyway) and kinda kept myself away from people. For one, I do realize I am a little bit of a weird person (not sure but I bet you do too) but I don't know, its just me anyway.

You might advise that I talk to someone as it might make you feel better. But more often than not, I don't even know where or how to start. I used to have friends whom I can talk to about my problems but I do realize I probably need to sort it out myself. No one really realize how deep my problem goes but well, who am I to say, life goes on anyway.

This is when you'd just wished you had someone who understands you but for myself, I'd prefer to keep it all here.

Problem person I may be, at least I'm not bringing about trouble to anyone and that for me is cool enough.

Honestly Speaking

The time now is 5 mins to 1st February 2012. Yep, how time flies. I couldn't even recall a noteworthy time in January other than that short lived Chinese New Year. Not that it was a bad CNY, but its just so short. I remembered working, coming home cleaning the house followed by short weekend to prepare the house for visiting and the next thing I know, Chinese New Year has passed. It wasn't such a bad month I supposed, in fact, I'd say it was somehow a good short month. Firstly so, it was a month where I thought a lot about myself and how I wanted to change myself. Also, first time I'm actually trying to do it as well. I won't go into details there but yea, along with it went January.

Which brings us now to February 2012, a month to look forward to? Lets see, I have Avril Lavigne concert coming up and a week after that, track day at Sepang International Circuit. But I'd just like to set the record straight, reason I'm going to AL concert is ONLY BECAUSE I wanna go to a concert. That's all.

Now, it couldn't be worst for me feeling all down now beginning of February. Not sure why but my mood is just a lil down this week. Not really sociable, no mood, and yes having slight depression. According to a research, they say you can get depression with not having enough sleep which I am deprived of now. But I don't know, it just all going in my mind again. Think too much maybe?

I'm probably doubting a lot about myself again. Fuck shit keeps happening, it is some kind of a sickness I'm having?

Nowadays, I'm just ignoring my feelings for anyone cuz somehow, I don't see it going anywhere. More importantly, I don't see myself being a good capable boyfriend. Or maybe I don't even know how to be a boyfriend to someone anymore.

I'd just gotta be honest and say this. Everyone has their own problems. Yours might seem a bigger deal, but try putting yourself into the other person's shoes and see what they've been through. They did not grow up like you did, you do not know their history either. So if this is small shit to you, well I apologize and maybe I have opened up to the wrong person.

Gotta Let It Out

You know there a saying that each one of us will always have that only person that we like but we never do to let anyone know including our best friends.

Like so, I really can't tell anyone but I desperately need to let it out or I'll probably not sleep for the rest of the night.

Thing is, I think I have fallen for someone I shouldn't be falling for. My mood now? Confused and fucked up. I would probably get advises like "Just go for it... blablabla...". Thing is, I wouldn't want to lose her or this friendship because of these stupid feelings.

So what's left to do is control myself, ignore, and stay slightly away. That should probably do it until someone else comes along?

"A guy and a girl can never be best friends."

Cheers.