The End of 2011

Well, I though I'd just write it all down since I had an hour long bath with so much that have gone through my mind. Let's just say I'm not actually happy with where I am currently and that much is obvious from my previous post if you do follow them.

For one, I have always drive myself from failures and criticism while praises and compliments do tend to do more damage than help. Complacent is probably the word best describe my past few months and indeed CHANGE was the only thing I could think of the whole time in the shower.

Newly bought PS3 kept in the box, no more TV watching after 8pm, a new timetable drawn out and new sleeping time set to 11pm are just simple examples of changes I have made or at least minor steps taken to rebuild my foundations. Of course, its not all just work and study but Muay Thai and a couple of workout schedules are in place for body building which on my side still lacked discipline to achieve those desired results.

Now, reason for this post is not gonna be all that boring stuff of CHANGE or "New Year's Resolution" you might call it, I'm also gonna list down a couple of awesome memory from the year that is 2011 for myself. Note than none of the below are sorted base on favorite moments.

1. Visit to Hatyai, Thailand

This mark the first time I'm traveling with my self-earned monayyy, a trip best remembered for being kissed by my favorite AhGua (TS) performer that night.

2. A Surprise Birthday Sing-Along

A pretty subdued 23rd birthday made better with huge family (a few sporting PYT involved of course) from opposite table singing along to celebrate my birthday at a restaurant.

3. Party Rock Caroling

A caroling performance which featured my first dance since college days. (Okay, I did a performance back at Marcus Evans but that too was almost 2 years now). Not to mention I created the Robot Head from LMFAO.

4. Transformation of my Neo CPS

Did LOADDDDSSS of damage to my pocket but it was satisfying come end of the mod into a full R3 Neo. Those hard earn hours in office made me appreciate my car that much more of course.

5. Top Salesman in Marketing Team

The office had only started to run on volumes and commissions in May. I'd struggle in last spot 2 months in but manage to pull myself together to earn the top spot heading into the new year with an "out of this office" volume recorded in July.

Not least, "FRIENDS" should be the best of all moments and like the saying goes "the best moments can only be experienced and not explained". I might have experienced one of the lowest years of my life but at moments my best friends have been around for me. I might struggle to show my appreciation but deep down inside I am grateful for all of it.

And that spells the end of posting for 2011 and leaves much hope for a much better year ahead in 2012. A few items on the agenda for 2012 is of course to grow out those long hairs of yester years, a better ME, and also a trip to Bali to look forward to.

Signing off now with a very happy new year with great hopes, love and peace to all and more importantly my loved ones.

Cheers.

The misery never did end did it...?

No idea what am I doing to myself now, seems like everything seems to be falling apart rather more acute these days.

I'm just so low in my life now that I don't even feel comfortable being around people.

I'm even running away from my best friends which I don't really have an answer as to why I did that. (feeling of guilt and of not wanting to trouble anyone anymore?)

On the other hand, I do know now how does it really feel like to be alone. No acquaintances, no friends, no best friends, no nothing, not even a single person you can think of. Wouldn't want that to happen to anyone of course, it's definitely not something you want to feel.

Is it crazy to even say that I could be planning a way to get out of this world?

it did cross my mind.

End of the Line

As the title might suggest, this will be the very last post I'm gonna drop for this blog before I close it down. Not like its gonna ever be a popular blog but then again thanks to my readers and followers especially close friends whom dropped some very meaningful comments for me. (yes you know who you are) And even though I don't really reply to it, I just though you peeps should know that it really meant alot and from the bottom of my heart, thanks a lot.

As to why I'm closing it down. Well, I don't really see a need to post all my problems anymore, even if I do have now, I guess I'd rather just keep it to myself. For some reason, its either I'm getting bored of my problems or I don't know. Point is, I just found a way to run away from it?

Anyway, probably this has to do with me slowly getting acquainted or comfortable with being a quiet, invisible, nobody. At least all my life I have always being the "background" and even though it ain't a good feeling at all, it has been a part of my life so to speak. Its not like I havent tried being at least someone but its easier said then done, not least when you're that low on confidence. But like I said, I'm cool with it.

Of course, being a nobody does apply to many stuff (which I'm not gonna mention) and doing something about it sometimes ain't the best option. At least when you and everyone feels comfortable about your position, you wouldn't wanna ruin it just so you think you should let it out. Its kinda deep so I'll just leave it as it is for you to figure out.

Then again, my life... well, I have always been looked down upon. Not just me but I'm talking literally about my whole family. The worst part about it is that it actually comes from your relatives, your uncles, aunties whom usually gives you different treatment from the others. Yes, indeed I was the "stupid-est" among all my cousins, no doubt, and a young me was also pretty upset back then as I sometimes tried my best but my best isn't good enough.

Hence it brings me to my life-long goal which is really to proof everyone wrong especially my relatives. (YES, deep down inside I REALLY do hate them) Whether I can make it is of course another story but at least I know its all being inked inside of me and it just sets my path up right now.

Not least, I'm not sure what's gonna be happening in the future but basically thats how I feel strongly, Being a nobody and trying to proof everyone wrong. I'd probably even live or die by it. Who knows...

Lastly, apologies for the grandmother stories but thank god you've done with it as well. And if you'd bear with me just a few seconds, I'd like to close it with the final lines in my though. Hence, its done and thanks again.

"If only great hopes was promised behind these walls, I'd rather let it be forever hidden."

Falling in love with Tomoi

What's Tomoi you might ask. Basically, Tomoi in most cases can be refereed to as Muay Thai or Thai Kick Boxing and I for one has been in training for slightly more than a year now. Never would have known I would be that into martial arts but I guess a part of me which wanted to be fitter and tougher kinda led me into this. I mean why not, considering I'm only paying RM60.00 a month for at least 8 classes a week with access to the gym equipments! Call me cheap but comparing to joining Fitness First or any other fitness centers which has a damage of RM140 (at least), I'd say awesome deal to this! (yes, Chinese people are known for their cheapness as well)

So yea with some spare to spent, I've also decided to join my company's gym (on per walk in basis) for RM15 per entry. And yes I'm being a bit too obsessive with being fitter that I'm even using Creatine pills now for more output and faster recovery.

Besides being caught up in the act, I've also been following the Muay Thai world for quite a bit nowadays mainly watching the new reality TV series The Challenger Muay Thai (quiet brutally awesome) and also visited Muay Thai competition in KL just recently. No pictures to show for it thought but it was really brutal. As in you see people getting elbowed in the head, getting kicked in the ribs while some even getting knocked out cold on the mat.

Of course, you don't really have to go for intense fighting competitions out there. And for myself, I'm just learning for self defense, physical training and also the art of it.

Life as it is

Well, it just seems as though my life is about to fall apart and being here again certainly says it all. With nobody to go to, to look to, or even just hang around doing nothing with. Life was certainly much better when I was only concentrating on my job and nothing much other than that, which of course kinda means that I don't really have a life. I do admit it, I'm not the most adventures and haven't been to many places myself. (Not as privileged, I don't blame my parents of course) Then again, its not like I wanted to be what I am today, but I'm just finding it hard to ditch my past and start anew again. They say you can react to your past and make a better future for yourself, but its easier said than done.

Confidence is certainly very low now. So much so that I can't even think about is single good thing about myself. So much doubt going about myself now that I even felt insecure at my job at times.

I'm also going through a really tough patch in my social life. Somehow or rather, I felt like I just lost my closest friends and course mates during college times. Can't believe somehow I was just left out. It really sucks to be looking at all your old mates gathering without you even being around. All those happy faces, and I was just being ignored. Makes me wonder, where did I go wrong...

Where did I go wrong...

I just wished I'm not myself anymore... a total failure in my own eyes...

Of course, I managed to get my mind off this shit this whole day just doing random stuffs like buying a burger myself and having it at some condo which I managed to sneak in, stuffs like watching golfers practicing their shooting at 9pm, and also pushing my car to its limits on the highway. Yes, they say not to play with speed cuz you know, it kills. I did thought about it but somehow I had no fear even if I died in it. I thought it didn't really matter actually as my life probably wouldn't even mean or cost much.

I feel pretty much useless right now, question now is, how much longer can I last?

Alwaz the Scars

Have you ever once, just once in your life, just sit down, think about your life and how you ended up where you are currently? I for one used to think a lot, in fact I do THINK a lot to the stage where I am practically playing mind games with myself. Whatever fact and fiction gets thrown into a pill of crazy ideas which usually results in me being all emo and feeling fucked up.

Back to the top, yes, at times I do wonder "what would I have been if...". If I was born in a different family? different background? different bring up? I could be a better man then what I am now isn't it? Well, I'm not in anyway trying to put a blame on my parents.

In some way they do play a huge part in what we are today, but they have been through blood sweat and tears to make us who we are today, and the ball is on our court for us to now try to be better then what we already are.

I gotta pause a bit here, thing is I don't really know where I'm going with this now. But anyhow, I'd guess I just keep it short. More importantly, what I'm trying to say here is that I am not at all comfortable and confident with myself right now, I've never been. My self-esteem fortress is so fragile that a lil stone could cause it all to collapse.

I'm struggling to make an impact at work, I'm struggling to get into a relationship, I'm struggling in every part of my life right now. It's so bad that I don't even think its a good idea to be telling it to anyone (except here).

What I want you to really know is that I'm really struggling with my life right now... that's all...

Here's something mind blowing for you people to check out! Of course, if you're not into high tech gaming with awesome graphical visual that will make you go "WOW", I suggest you save the next 3 minutes of your life doing something more productive.

Anyway, back to the video. Check this link out. (while your at it, paused it at 0:10)

Next thing you can do is go here and play it simultaneously with the video above!

It BLOW-ed my mind! and

Embarrassment

Well, just have a look at the video below and you'll know what I'm talking about.

This is pure stupidity and an embarrassment to the entire country!

On behalf of all, I would like to extend our humble apologies for those highly insensitive words expressed in this trying times that the Japanese people are going thru.

R3 Neo CPS

Its official now, my baby aint hawt anymore :(((

Look at the photos below to get what I really mean...

Yep, Proton just launched a new Neo with a whole new bunch of upgraded performance and an awesome rim I'm dying to get for my baby. Damnit, should've waited another year then I can get this car. Well, you know I'm just kidding. Ain't capable financially to get a RM80k car. But this really looks like a real deal being probably the best performance and handling car in its price range.

Anyhow, gonna come out with my "get rich" plan to get rich and be able to afford this sort of awesome cars.

btw, fuck myself for looking at all this, now I will have problem sleeping as I alwaz have this tendency to go Google more about this car.

That's all for now...

Sneakers!!!

NO I wasn't referring to MY sneakers! Of course not, I have already bought 2 new costly ones from Converse and Timbaland! LOL...

This is how my baby looks, awesome? no?

This are actually new sneakers for my baby (Neo CPS) which I am considering getting. Given the fact that my baby already comes with a stock 16" bronze looking rim, I still never really fancied it cuz to me it looked pretty ugly. A white car with bronze rim? I just don't dig it (unless its an Imprezza). So I've been scouting around, looking for awesome looking rims for my baby but mostly are 17" that looks good. However, for you dummies who don't know (I consider myself one of you), increasing the size of the rims DOES actually affect your car's acceleration, fuel consumption, and not to mention the cost of new tires!!!

Pic from KLIMS: look closely, it says RM475 per piece

So recently Proton's racing division aka R3 has come out a new sets of 16" rims (perfect for mine) which I first saw it 2 months back at KLIMS. It looked good then but I didn't really got the chance to see it fitted onto a car. Hence, after 2 long months, the rims are finally put into action and I gotta say it looks fantastic. Do check out the short video of Proton's 2011 R3 Neo CPS which is built by enthusiasts, for enthusiasts.

16" R3 lightweight alloy fitted on a R3 Neo

Bringing It Back

It's never good to be back here, at least in my case as it could also mean I have no one to talk to. Anyhow, its been more than 3 months since I last posted anything here so I guess its about time something of sort got posted up. Anyway, just a short update on what's been going on.

But before I start, let's just say its almost coming up to the end of January already but nevertheless, its a new start to the new year with new aims and dreams or resolutions if you should put it. Its probably not gonna be so much of a fun vacations or such being planned out but basically its about the life and direction that I should or could be thinking about in the near future.

... afraid that I won't meet my own expectations?

It's still pretty much the same me here, with the exception of more problems maybe? Well, one things for sure is that I'm still pretty much struggling with conjuring any sort of confidence out of myself. Managing it definitely isn't easy and it does affect me in every single part of my life right now to be honest. If you haven't notice, emotions does play a huge part in ones actions. But you know its not all doom and gloomy as I have actually signed up for Thai Kickboxing lessons just to build some confidence and also learning to be optimistic.

Relationship tends to get itself in the equation normally. There's always this common question being toss around in daily conversations like "who's the one", "where's your gf", "when you getting one" etc which you really can't avoid but give a smile or any crap before you go ahead and change the topic. I haven't been good at it to be honest. Confidence does play its part in this as well, being as low as it is, it's actually kinda difficult. There's just so many problems and bad experience that has somehow has affected me in a really bad way I guess. So for now, I have been trying to filter it out and just focus my energy on my career and also improving myself.

Driving myself higher with failures and the hunger to be better than others...

Which also leads me to be thinking about moving on. Moving to a new place, new surroundings and a new environment. I'm actually thinking about moving down south to find greener pastures with a prospect of better financial returns. This would probably be a significant change in my life and it could probably come after March when I finish my programme at my current work place but still there's time to evaluate and think about it.

Lastly, I'll just end this post with some of my wish list and resolutions for the year:

1) get a job in Singapore

2) get a lasik for my eyes

3) to have more self improvement and optimism

4) increase confidence

5) build body mass and muscles

6) safe enough for investment in property (later in the year or next year?)