Confidence is certainly very low now. So much so that I can't even think about is single good thing about myself. So much doubt going about myself now that I even felt insecure at my job at times.
I'm also going through a really tough patch in my social life. Somehow or rather, I felt like I just lost my closest friends and course mates during college times. Can't believe somehow I was just left out. It really sucks to be looking at all your old mates gathering without you even being around. All those happy faces, and I was just being ignored. Makes me wonder, where did I go wrong...
Where did I go wrong...
I just wished I'm not myself anymore... a total failure in my own eyes...
Of course, I managed to get my mind off this shit this whole day just doing random stuffs like buying a burger myself and having it at some condo which I managed to sneak in, stuffs like watching golfers practicing their shooting at 9pm, and also pushing my car to its limits on the highway. Yes, they say not to play with speed cuz you know, it kills. I did thought about it but somehow I had no fear even if I died in it. I thought it didn't really matter actually as my life probably wouldn't even mean or cost much.
I feel pretty much useless right now, question now is, how much longer can I last?
2 comments:
I have the same feeling too. I don't social often. I am still a Cinderalla who has to go home before twelve. Going to work from 9am to 6pm, watching tv, and online are my daily rountine. No "yam cha" session, no "Karaoke" session for me.
Perhaps, my priority for friends have shifted. I am wondering, I don't weigh frienship heavily or they don't need me to play that role anymore? In fact, future is what I focus now. But I doubt that I am not in the right path now and I am insecure with my future. I couldn't even imangine a picture of myself in the next 5 years :(
No worries, you are not wrong, just being the way you are. No matter how empty that life would be, how far apart we are, how differet we've become, we will simply be the friends we've always been =)
Brother! Randomly visited ur blog and jst read ur this emo post! Haha! Damn emo sial! Dun die in ur satria neo wei! Such as waste (i mean the satria). LOL!
Seriously, let me share with you of the similar experience I had. And I sincerely hope that this will somehow enlighten n help u!
I have to admit that it was a really difficult period when I jst got here in Australia. New faces, new environment, surrounded by well spoken caucasians, no family nor friends! I was really down, self esteem was completely ruined. Didnt feel like leaving my room to any places at all. Fear of the new country.
I had to sololy confront all these challenges as an international student who is from so called "3rd world country". It was then I realised the importance of family and friends. Sometimes I questioned myself why did I come to Australia at all? Isn't that it would be so much easier if I jst stayed back in Malaysia!
After struggling for half a year, one day I said "Screw it! No more emoing!" Moment like this is the moment which I have to carve and define myself. I have to decide who or what I want to be!!! There is no such thing as "free lunch" and I have to take care myself and work all the way up to be confident!
Nowadays, I think of life as like Muay Thai. Haha. Sometimes it is not about how hard u can hit the bag, it is about how hard u can get hit and stand up again!
So brother! Dun emo! Dun be ashamed of urself! Embrace and confront whatever challenges that u encounter now! Find out ur problems and deal with them! And u have to decide what u want urself to be! Everyone have their shortcomings and make mistakes, but the ones who made it were the ones that beat their most difficult moments!
And after all, there could be worse things that can happen to you! So dun die in ur satria man! Haha!
Best of luck in life and work! TC!
- Qi Zheng, Lee
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